A recent Men’s Health magazine article said pork rinds top their list of the healthiest junk food you can eat. Kudos to Pigs for diverting our attention from that story.
Oliver Stone and Michael Douglas are on board for a sequel to the 80’s classic Wall Street that will reflect the current financial crisis. The opening scene features Gordon Gecko saying “maybe greed was not so good.”
Democrats said the Fox network insulted President Obama by skipping his speech to air a show called “Lie to Me”. Fox isn’t new to this controversy. Viewers often confused Bush’s addresses with “Are you Smarter than a Fifth grader?”.
A former astronaut claims we are not alone in the universe. When asked how humans might compare to other intelligent forms of life, he said our Miss Universe would still be the hottest.
Kansas Governor Kathleen Sebius was confirmed today as Obama’s new health and human services secretary. Told that she's now responsible for stopping the swine flu, Sebius said “Come to think of it, are you positive I paid all my taxes?”
Schools around the country are canceling field trips due to budget cuts. Angry teachers call it a missed opportunity to teach outside the classroom, and a waste of over 900,000 already printed permission slips.
Said one father, “It's hard to explain to my son why he might not take a trip to the local zoo next year.” Yes, especially since you could probably just take him yourself.
About Me
- Leigh Kessler
- Leigh is a nationally touring stand-up and TV personality featured on VH1's Best Week Ever, CNN's Showbiz Tonight, Discovery Channel and Sirius Radio. He is also regularly featured in Life and Style Magazine's Oops Section. In addition, he has overseen and informed creative and branding strategies for some of the best known brands in the world.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Jokes from the news - April 28thish
Casey Kasem turned 77 yesterday, shooting up one notch after a full year at 76.
Pakistan's president's said that Osama bin Laden might be dead but added that they have no proof. Yeah, I could’ve said that too.
New Yorkers are angry after Air Force One flew close to the ground for a photoshoot causing a great deal of fear for those who thought the city was underattack. To put a silver lining on it, wasn’t it nice to forget, even just for a brief moment, that pigs are trying to kill us.
A new drug to rival Viagra has been testing successfully on male rats. Apparently it works faster and lasts longer. Scientists are worried that if the drug doesn’t work on human males, them rats are gonna steal our women.
A new iphone app is out that will keep people from drunk dialing their exes. The call automatically drops anytime it’s after midnight and the phone hears “Whaddaryadooin?”
Senator Arlen Spector is switching from the Republican party to the Democratic party for next years election. Asked how it would affect his vote, Spector responded, “now it will count”
An Iranian politician is outraged that Oranges were imported from Israel calling it a Citrus plot by Israel to undermine Iran with infidel fruit. How do you reason with people whose hatred extends to fruit? Don't even try to talk to them about juice.
A cruise ship fought off a pirate attack off the African coast. No passengers were hurt. In fact, most of them ranked it the 2nd most entertaining event after the sexy legs contest.
Voters in the Swiss Alps have banned hiking in the nude after dozens of German nudists were found rambling through the country side. They did say the idea of Germans coming over the mountain was less scary when they were naked.
The 1st gay wedding in Iowa is likely to begin today. First they vote Obama in the primary. Now they allow gay marriage. Mommy, why does Iowa hate America?
A Serbian union official chopped off his finger and ate it in a protest over wages that in some cases have not been paid in years. Wow, disgusting and willing to work for minimum wage. Sounds like a Dominos man!
Pakistan's president's said that Osama bin Laden might be dead but added that they have no proof. Yeah, I could’ve said that too.
New Yorkers are angry after Air Force One flew close to the ground for a photoshoot causing a great deal of fear for those who thought the city was underattack. To put a silver lining on it, wasn’t it nice to forget, even just for a brief moment, that pigs are trying to kill us.
A new drug to rival Viagra has been testing successfully on male rats. Apparently it works faster and lasts longer. Scientists are worried that if the drug doesn’t work on human males, them rats are gonna steal our women.
A new iphone app is out that will keep people from drunk dialing their exes. The call automatically drops anytime it’s after midnight and the phone hears “Whaddaryadooin?”
Senator Arlen Spector is switching from the Republican party to the Democratic party for next years election. Asked how it would affect his vote, Spector responded, “now it will count”
An Iranian politician is outraged that Oranges were imported from Israel calling it a Citrus plot by Israel to undermine Iran with infidel fruit. How do you reason with people whose hatred extends to fruit? Don't even try to talk to them about juice.
A cruise ship fought off a pirate attack off the African coast. No passengers were hurt. In fact, most of them ranked it the 2nd most entertaining event after the sexy legs contest.
Voters in the Swiss Alps have banned hiking in the nude after dozens of German nudists were found rambling through the country side. They did say the idea of Germans coming over the mountain was less scary when they were naked.
The 1st gay wedding in Iowa is likely to begin today. First they vote Obama in the primary. Now they allow gay marriage. Mommy, why does Iowa hate America?
A Serbian union official chopped off his finger and ate it in a protest over wages that in some cases have not been paid in years. Wow, disgusting and willing to work for minimum wage. Sounds like a Dominos man!
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Last week - April 23rdish
A new study determined that the Great Wall of China is much longer than previously thought. It will now be known as China’s Unbelievably Long Wall.
Tiger Woods and Barack Obama got together at the White House yesterday in a meeting that was called historic in pissing off old rich white guys.
The recession is making people not want to have children, causing a significant increase in vasectomies. In a related story, abortions are now being referred to as Bailouts.
The US is exploring how to use the internet in Iraq to foster peace. For instance, instead of killing innocent people, militants might be willing to just “Send a bomb” on Facebook.
Millions of textbooks paid for by the US haven’t been delivered to schools in Afghanistan. Do textbooks move on the Black Market? “I’ve got Opium, I’ve got missiles, I’ve got Algeeeebrah”.
Leona Helmsley’s 100 million dollar estate will not go to her dog as originally directed in her will. Friends claim the dog was only after her money. Said one “Every time she’d hump Leona’s leg, you could tell she was faking it.”
Montreal hockey fans booed the Star Spangled Banner before a playoff game against Boston. Americans now want to boycott Canadian products but have no idea what we get from them.
The FDA gave approval for 17 year olds to receive morning after birth control pills without a doctor’s prescription. Just in time for Prom season.
The President of Bolivia who contends that the US has tried to assassinate him is visiting Harlem today. The CIA said, “boy, that sure makes our job easier.”
The Pentagon denied reports that Chinese cyber spies stole secrets plans for a fighter jet. However, they are upgrading security passwords to something more challenging than PASS.
Charlie Sheen just became a father of twins. Asked if he was excited, Sheen said “Are you kidding? Some of my best memories are with twins.”
The Yankees are baseball’s wealthiest team. That’s not based on finances, just the assumption that guys look rich wearing pinstripes.
Tiger Woods and Barack Obama got together at the White House yesterday in a meeting that was called historic in pissing off old rich white guys.
The recession is making people not want to have children, causing a significant increase in vasectomies. In a related story, abortions are now being referred to as Bailouts.
The US is exploring how to use the internet in Iraq to foster peace. For instance, instead of killing innocent people, militants might be willing to just “Send a bomb” on Facebook.
Millions of textbooks paid for by the US haven’t been delivered to schools in Afghanistan. Do textbooks move on the Black Market? “I’ve got Opium, I’ve got missiles, I’ve got Algeeeebrah”.
Leona Helmsley’s 100 million dollar estate will not go to her dog as originally directed in her will. Friends claim the dog was only after her money. Said one “Every time she’d hump Leona’s leg, you could tell she was faking it.”
Montreal hockey fans booed the Star Spangled Banner before a playoff game against Boston. Americans now want to boycott Canadian products but have no idea what we get from them.
The FDA gave approval for 17 year olds to receive morning after birth control pills without a doctor’s prescription. Just in time for Prom season.
The President of Bolivia who contends that the US has tried to assassinate him is visiting Harlem today. The CIA said, “boy, that sure makes our job easier.”
The Pentagon denied reports that Chinese cyber spies stole secrets plans for a fighter jet. However, they are upgrading security passwords to something more challenging than PASS.
Charlie Sheen just became a father of twins. Asked if he was excited, Sheen said “Are you kidding? Some of my best memories are with twins.”
The Yankees are baseball’s wealthiest team. That’s not based on finances, just the assumption that guys look rich wearing pinstripes.
Jokes in the news - April 24ish
April 24
An Arab sheik was caught on video torturing a civilian with cattle prods, whips, sand and an SUV. The White House had no comment on the video but Dick Cheney gave it 2 thumbs up.
Octomom wants to get a pet pig. Finally a sensible decision. If you’re gonna add members to your household, at least make them ones you can eat when you need to.
Michael Jackson was not in his car when it was involved in a hit and run recently. MJ did say due to damages he might’ve sustained had he been in the car, he’ll have reconstructive surgery anyways.
NYC home prices have dropped 15%. Real estate experts say the apartments selling best have moneymaking benefits like high efficiency appliances, tax abatements and meth labs.
President Obama met yesterday with 13 executives from the credit card companies. No actions were taken but they did all agree that cards with pictures of your cat are the cutest.
Pranksters left a live shark at the door of an Australian newspaper. The shark was too upset to discuss details of the incident but said it’s the last time he follows some guy offering a great deal on a timeshare.
Yahoo said it’s shutting down its Geocities service for hosting free home pages. Is that how bad the real estate market is? People are now losing their home pages?
Apple apologized for a new iPhone game that has players quiet a virtual crying baby by shaking the device. They also decided not to continue development of their new energy saving LapTops that are powered by racism.
A Tunisian man claims he was tortured by the US 8 months before the CIA authorized it. A CIA official confirmed that yes, at that time torture was not sanctioned and frankly, it made it much more exciting.
Shirley MacLaine turned 75 years old this week. Well, 1095 if you add it all up.
An Arab sheik was caught on video torturing a civilian with cattle prods, whips, sand and an SUV. The White House had no comment on the video but Dick Cheney gave it 2 thumbs up.
Octomom wants to get a pet pig. Finally a sensible decision. If you’re gonna add members to your household, at least make them ones you can eat when you need to.
Michael Jackson was not in his car when it was involved in a hit and run recently. MJ did say due to damages he might’ve sustained had he been in the car, he’ll have reconstructive surgery anyways.
NYC home prices have dropped 15%. Real estate experts say the apartments selling best have moneymaking benefits like high efficiency appliances, tax abatements and meth labs.
President Obama met yesterday with 13 executives from the credit card companies. No actions were taken but they did all agree that cards with pictures of your cat are the cutest.
Pranksters left a live shark at the door of an Australian newspaper. The shark was too upset to discuss details of the incident but said it’s the last time he follows some guy offering a great deal on a timeshare.
Yahoo said it’s shutting down its Geocities service for hosting free home pages. Is that how bad the real estate market is? People are now losing their home pages?
Apple apologized for a new iPhone game that has players quiet a virtual crying baby by shaking the device. They also decided not to continue development of their new energy saving LapTops that are powered by racism.
A Tunisian man claims he was tortured by the US 8 months before the CIA authorized it. A CIA official confirmed that yes, at that time torture was not sanctioned and frankly, it made it much more exciting.
Shirley MacLaine turned 75 years old this week. Well, 1095 if you add it all up.
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