Last week - April 23rdish

A new study determined that the Great Wall of China is much longer than previously thought. It will now be known as China’s Unbelievably Long Wall.

Tiger Woods and Barack Obama got together at the White House yesterday in a meeting that was called historic in pissing off old rich white guys.

The recession is making people not want to have children, causing a significant increase in vasectomies. In a related story, abortions are now being referred to as Bailouts.

The US is exploring how to use the internet in Iraq to foster peace. For instance, instead of killing innocent people, militants might be willing to just “Send a bomb” on Facebook.

Millions of textbooks paid for by the US haven’t been delivered to schools in Afghanistan. Do textbooks move on the Black Market? “I’ve got Opium, I’ve got missiles, I’ve got Algeeeebrah”.

Leona Helmsley’s 100 million dollar estate will not go to her dog as originally directed in her will. Friends claim the dog was only after her money. Said one “Every time she’d hump Leona’s leg, you could tell she was faking it.”

Montreal hockey fans booed the Star Spangled Banner before a playoff game against Boston. Americans now want to boycott Canadian products but have no idea what we get from them.

The FDA gave approval for 17 year olds to receive morning after birth control pills without a doctor’s prescription. Just in time for Prom season.

The President of Bolivia who contends that the US has tried to assassinate him is visiting Harlem today. The CIA said, “boy, that sure makes our job easier.”

The Pentagon denied reports that Chinese cyber spies stole secrets plans for a fighter jet. However, they are upgrading security passwords to something more challenging than PASS.

Charlie Sheen just became a father of twins. Asked if he was excited, Sheen said “Are you kidding? Some of my best memories are with twins.”

The Yankees are baseball’s wealthiest team. That’s not based on finances, just the assumption that guys look rich wearing pinstripes.