A white Massachusetts man showed up at his trial on murder charges with a newly carved swastika in his head. The judge said “we also would’ve just accepted a plea of guilty”.
Bernie Madoff’s former secretary says he often made overtly sexually remarks. However, she says she misunderstood the context when he invited her to watch him screw 1000’s of people.
Terrorists are now using hip hop style videos to recruit new members. Which makes it less offensive to refer to Osama Bin Laden as Old Dirty Bastard. Middle East Side!
Google Maps has a new feature that shows interactive historic maps of NYC. According to the map, 250 years ago it took 4 hours to get from Wall Street to what's now Central Park, 4 hours and 20 minutes with traffic.
Amazon unveiled a larger Kindle that can hold all of a student’s textbooks. Many are concerned that without bulky, hard to carry textbooks, dorky high school boys won’t be able to meet hot new girls in the movies.
Miss California, who is now an anti-gay-marriage spokesperson, defended her racy photos saying that most models pose for lingerie and swimsuit photos. That is true. Also, most models don’t speak.
About Me
- Leigh Kessler
- Leigh is a nationally touring stand-up and TV personality featured on VH1's Best Week Ever, CNN's Showbiz Tonight, Discovery Channel and Sirius Radio. He is also regularly featured in Life and Style Magazine's Oops Section. In addition, he has overseen and informed creative and branding strategies for some of the best known brands in the world.
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
Monday, May 04, 2009
Chrysler lost 17 billion dollars last year. Most of it just fell into that space between the seat and the console where your hand won't fit.
A notebook was found from the 1800's containing the original recipe for Dr. Pepper. The ledger features 2 pages of ingredients and the rest repeated scribblings of “I Hate You Coca-Cola”.
Jimmy Buffet has become a part owner of the Miami Dolphins saying the relationship makes marketing sense because he’s known for island living. The opportunity comes just in time too as Buffet was about to record his new album “I'm kind of into Vikings”.
Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon celebrated their 1st anniversary defying cynics who'd said the unusual pairing was all for publicity. Nick surprised Mariah with a party for friends and she surprised him by learning his name.
Terrorists are blowing up targets using innocent donkeys fit with explosives. Informed that they'd be rewarded with 72 virgins, donkeys said “We can get laid on our own thanks!”.
Mexico says the swine flu has ebbed and it's safe to visit Mexico again. Today Montazuma released a statement saying “Helloooo! Still here, THANK YOU!"
The Supreme Court is reviewing its indecency ruling regarding Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction. A big question is whether the breast exposure which only lasted 9/16ths of a second can be considered decipherable . Whatever the court's verdict, I just want to remind my buddies from 7th grade , anything over half a second totally counts!
Friday, May 01, 2009
April 30th Jokes
A 17 year-old girl beat back two would be muggers using her marching band baton. Police have asked that if anyone can identify the two men, please don’t make fun of them.
Police are asking anyone with knowledge of the suspects to come forward and……stop!
Republicans have formed a special committee to seek a winning strategy for the 2010 elections. So far they’ve come up with “Become Democrats”.
Mexico's President has not spoken publicly since the Swine Flu outbreak. Asked about his failure to give a national address or an interview, President Obama said “I’ll give it! I’ll do it! Can I? Dibs!"
An Austrian court jailed a known Holocaust denier for propagating Nazi ideas. When he asked if he could appeal, the court replied “oh, you’re not in jail” as they led him to his cell.
Police are asking anyone with knowledge of the suspects to come forward and……stop!
Republicans have formed a special committee to seek a winning strategy for the 2010 elections. So far they’ve come up with “Become Democrats”.
Mexico's President has not spoken publicly since the Swine Flu outbreak. Asked about his failure to give a national address or an interview, President Obama said “I’ll give it! I’ll do it! Can I? Dibs!"
An Austrian court jailed a known Holocaust denier for propagating Nazi ideas. When he asked if he could appeal, the court replied “oh, you’re not in jail” as they led him to his cell.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Jokes from April 29
A recent Men’s Health magazine article said pork rinds top their list of the healthiest junk food you can eat. Kudos to Pigs for diverting our attention from that story.
Oliver Stone and Michael Douglas are on board for a sequel to the 80’s classic Wall Street that will reflect the current financial crisis. The opening scene features Gordon Gecko saying “maybe greed was not so good.”
Democrats said the Fox network insulted President Obama by skipping his speech to air a show called “Lie to Me”. Fox isn’t new to this controversy. Viewers often confused Bush’s addresses with “Are you Smarter than a Fifth grader?”.
A former astronaut claims we are not alone in the universe. When asked how humans might compare to other intelligent forms of life, he said our Miss Universe would still be the hottest.
Kansas Governor Kathleen Sebius was confirmed today as Obama’s new health and human services secretary. Told that she's now responsible for stopping the swine flu, Sebius said “Come to think of it, are you positive I paid all my taxes?”
Schools around the country are canceling field trips due to budget cuts. Angry teachers call it a missed opportunity to teach outside the classroom, and a waste of over 900,000 already printed permission slips.
Said one father, “It's hard to explain to my son why he might not take a trip to the local zoo next year.” Yes, especially since you could probably just take him yourself.
Oliver Stone and Michael Douglas are on board for a sequel to the 80’s classic Wall Street that will reflect the current financial crisis. The opening scene features Gordon Gecko saying “maybe greed was not so good.”
Democrats said the Fox network insulted President Obama by skipping his speech to air a show called “Lie to Me”. Fox isn’t new to this controversy. Viewers often confused Bush’s addresses with “Are you Smarter than a Fifth grader?”.
A former astronaut claims we are not alone in the universe. When asked how humans might compare to other intelligent forms of life, he said our Miss Universe would still be the hottest.
Kansas Governor Kathleen Sebius was confirmed today as Obama’s new health and human services secretary. Told that she's now responsible for stopping the swine flu, Sebius said “Come to think of it, are you positive I paid all my taxes?”
Schools around the country are canceling field trips due to budget cuts. Angry teachers call it a missed opportunity to teach outside the classroom, and a waste of over 900,000 already printed permission slips.
Said one father, “It's hard to explain to my son why he might not take a trip to the local zoo next year.” Yes, especially since you could probably just take him yourself.
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
Jokes from the news - April 28thish
Casey Kasem turned 77 yesterday, shooting up one notch after a full year at 76.
Pakistan's president's said that Osama bin Laden might be dead but added that they have no proof. Yeah, I could’ve said that too.
New Yorkers are angry after Air Force One flew close to the ground for a photoshoot causing a great deal of fear for those who thought the city was underattack. To put a silver lining on it, wasn’t it nice to forget, even just for a brief moment, that pigs are trying to kill us.
A new drug to rival Viagra has been testing successfully on male rats. Apparently it works faster and lasts longer. Scientists are worried that if the drug doesn’t work on human males, them rats are gonna steal our women.
A new iphone app is out that will keep people from drunk dialing their exes. The call automatically drops anytime it’s after midnight and the phone hears “Whaddaryadooin?”
Senator Arlen Spector is switching from the Republican party to the Democratic party for next years election. Asked how it would affect his vote, Spector responded, “now it will count”
An Iranian politician is outraged that Oranges were imported from Israel calling it a Citrus plot by Israel to undermine Iran with infidel fruit. How do you reason with people whose hatred extends to fruit? Don't even try to talk to them about juice.
A cruise ship fought off a pirate attack off the African coast. No passengers were hurt. In fact, most of them ranked it the 2nd most entertaining event after the sexy legs contest.
Voters in the Swiss Alps have banned hiking in the nude after dozens of German nudists were found rambling through the country side. They did say the idea of Germans coming over the mountain was less scary when they were naked.
The 1st gay wedding in Iowa is likely to begin today. First they vote Obama in the primary. Now they allow gay marriage. Mommy, why does Iowa hate America?
A Serbian union official chopped off his finger and ate it in a protest over wages that in some cases have not been paid in years. Wow, disgusting and willing to work for minimum wage. Sounds like a Dominos man!
Pakistan's president's said that Osama bin Laden might be dead but added that they have no proof. Yeah, I could’ve said that too.
New Yorkers are angry after Air Force One flew close to the ground for a photoshoot causing a great deal of fear for those who thought the city was underattack. To put a silver lining on it, wasn’t it nice to forget, even just for a brief moment, that pigs are trying to kill us.
A new drug to rival Viagra has been testing successfully on male rats. Apparently it works faster and lasts longer. Scientists are worried that if the drug doesn’t work on human males, them rats are gonna steal our women.
A new iphone app is out that will keep people from drunk dialing their exes. The call automatically drops anytime it’s after midnight and the phone hears “Whaddaryadooin?”
Senator Arlen Spector is switching from the Republican party to the Democratic party for next years election. Asked how it would affect his vote, Spector responded, “now it will count”
An Iranian politician is outraged that Oranges were imported from Israel calling it a Citrus plot by Israel to undermine Iran with infidel fruit. How do you reason with people whose hatred extends to fruit? Don't even try to talk to them about juice.
A cruise ship fought off a pirate attack off the African coast. No passengers were hurt. In fact, most of them ranked it the 2nd most entertaining event after the sexy legs contest.
Voters in the Swiss Alps have banned hiking in the nude after dozens of German nudists were found rambling through the country side. They did say the idea of Germans coming over the mountain was less scary when they were naked.
The 1st gay wedding in Iowa is likely to begin today. First they vote Obama in the primary. Now they allow gay marriage. Mommy, why does Iowa hate America?
A Serbian union official chopped off his finger and ate it in a protest over wages that in some cases have not been paid in years. Wow, disgusting and willing to work for minimum wage. Sounds like a Dominos man!
Sunday, April 26, 2009
Last week - April 23rdish
A new study determined that the Great Wall of China is much longer than previously thought. It will now be known as China’s Unbelievably Long Wall.
Tiger Woods and Barack Obama got together at the White House yesterday in a meeting that was called historic in pissing off old rich white guys.
The recession is making people not want to have children, causing a significant increase in vasectomies. In a related story, abortions are now being referred to as Bailouts.
The US is exploring how to use the internet in Iraq to foster peace. For instance, instead of killing innocent people, militants might be willing to just “Send a bomb” on Facebook.
Millions of textbooks paid for by the US haven’t been delivered to schools in Afghanistan. Do textbooks move on the Black Market? “I’ve got Opium, I’ve got missiles, I’ve got Algeeeebrah”.
Leona Helmsley’s 100 million dollar estate will not go to her dog as originally directed in her will. Friends claim the dog was only after her money. Said one “Every time she’d hump Leona’s leg, you could tell she was faking it.”
Montreal hockey fans booed the Star Spangled Banner before a playoff game against Boston. Americans now want to boycott Canadian products but have no idea what we get from them.
The FDA gave approval for 17 year olds to receive morning after birth control pills without a doctor’s prescription. Just in time for Prom season.
The President of Bolivia who contends that the US has tried to assassinate him is visiting Harlem today. The CIA said, “boy, that sure makes our job easier.”
The Pentagon denied reports that Chinese cyber spies stole secrets plans for a fighter jet. However, they are upgrading security passwords to something more challenging than PASS.
Charlie Sheen just became a father of twins. Asked if he was excited, Sheen said “Are you kidding? Some of my best memories are with twins.”
The Yankees are baseball’s wealthiest team. That’s not based on finances, just the assumption that guys look rich wearing pinstripes.
Tiger Woods and Barack Obama got together at the White House yesterday in a meeting that was called historic in pissing off old rich white guys.
The recession is making people not want to have children, causing a significant increase in vasectomies. In a related story, abortions are now being referred to as Bailouts.
The US is exploring how to use the internet in Iraq to foster peace. For instance, instead of killing innocent people, militants might be willing to just “Send a bomb” on Facebook.
Millions of textbooks paid for by the US haven’t been delivered to schools in Afghanistan. Do textbooks move on the Black Market? “I’ve got Opium, I’ve got missiles, I’ve got Algeeeebrah”.
Leona Helmsley’s 100 million dollar estate will not go to her dog as originally directed in her will. Friends claim the dog was only after her money. Said one “Every time she’d hump Leona’s leg, you could tell she was faking it.”
Montreal hockey fans booed the Star Spangled Banner before a playoff game against Boston. Americans now want to boycott Canadian products but have no idea what we get from them.
The FDA gave approval for 17 year olds to receive morning after birth control pills without a doctor’s prescription. Just in time for Prom season.
The President of Bolivia who contends that the US has tried to assassinate him is visiting Harlem today. The CIA said, “boy, that sure makes our job easier.”
The Pentagon denied reports that Chinese cyber spies stole secrets plans for a fighter jet. However, they are upgrading security passwords to something more challenging than PASS.
Charlie Sheen just became a father of twins. Asked if he was excited, Sheen said “Are you kidding? Some of my best memories are with twins.”
The Yankees are baseball’s wealthiest team. That’s not based on finances, just the assumption that guys look rich wearing pinstripes.
Jokes in the news - April 24ish
April 24
An Arab sheik was caught on video torturing a civilian with cattle prods, whips, sand and an SUV. The White House had no comment on the video but Dick Cheney gave it 2 thumbs up.
Octomom wants to get a pet pig. Finally a sensible decision. If you’re gonna add members to your household, at least make them ones you can eat when you need to.
Michael Jackson was not in his car when it was involved in a hit and run recently. MJ did say due to damages he might’ve sustained had he been in the car, he’ll have reconstructive surgery anyways.
NYC home prices have dropped 15%. Real estate experts say the apartments selling best have moneymaking benefits like high efficiency appliances, tax abatements and meth labs.
President Obama met yesterday with 13 executives from the credit card companies. No actions were taken but they did all agree that cards with pictures of your cat are the cutest.
Pranksters left a live shark at the door of an Australian newspaper. The shark was too upset to discuss details of the incident but said it’s the last time he follows some guy offering a great deal on a timeshare.
Yahoo said it’s shutting down its Geocities service for hosting free home pages. Is that how bad the real estate market is? People are now losing their home pages?
Apple apologized for a new iPhone game that has players quiet a virtual crying baby by shaking the device. They also decided not to continue development of their new energy saving LapTops that are powered by racism.
A Tunisian man claims he was tortured by the US 8 months before the CIA authorized it. A CIA official confirmed that yes, at that time torture was not sanctioned and frankly, it made it much more exciting.
Shirley MacLaine turned 75 years old this week. Well, 1095 if you add it all up.
An Arab sheik was caught on video torturing a civilian with cattle prods, whips, sand and an SUV. The White House had no comment on the video but Dick Cheney gave it 2 thumbs up.
Octomom wants to get a pet pig. Finally a sensible decision. If you’re gonna add members to your household, at least make them ones you can eat when you need to.
Michael Jackson was not in his car when it was involved in a hit and run recently. MJ did say due to damages he might’ve sustained had he been in the car, he’ll have reconstructive surgery anyways.
NYC home prices have dropped 15%. Real estate experts say the apartments selling best have moneymaking benefits like high efficiency appliances, tax abatements and meth labs.
President Obama met yesterday with 13 executives from the credit card companies. No actions were taken but they did all agree that cards with pictures of your cat are the cutest.
Pranksters left a live shark at the door of an Australian newspaper. The shark was too upset to discuss details of the incident but said it’s the last time he follows some guy offering a great deal on a timeshare.
Yahoo said it’s shutting down its Geocities service for hosting free home pages. Is that how bad the real estate market is? People are now losing their home pages?
Apple apologized for a new iPhone game that has players quiet a virtual crying baby by shaking the device. They also decided not to continue development of their new energy saving LapTops that are powered by racism.
A Tunisian man claims he was tortured by the US 8 months before the CIA authorized it. A CIA official confirmed that yes, at that time torture was not sanctioned and frankly, it made it much more exciting.
Shirley MacLaine turned 75 years old this week. Well, 1095 if you add it all up.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)